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Two Birds One Stone

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Breaking Story: Americans donate their H2s to help reinforce the levees of New Orleans.

“I just realized at 9 miles to the gallon, I was part of the problem,” explained an ex-Hummer fan who asked to remain anonymous. “I kept thinking I had something on my face or my fly was down anyway, people were giving me such strange looks when I got out of the thing. At first I thought they envied me, and I felt important, but then I realized they were looks of disgust.”

Recent studies have shown that U.S. consumption of oil has been increasing at a rate of 2% of year. Many people attribute this to the move toward bigger vehicles that use obscene amounts of gas.

“When it costs people $80 to fill their tanks every week, they start to think about their decisions. In many ways, rising gas prices could be a good thing. It forces people to understand the economic consequences of energy gluttony,” an expert on energy matters stated.

“Oh balderdash,” responded the president of America Only, Only Americans. “This is our gas, our oil. Let the Marxists conserve gas like the pansies they are. We are Americans. Anyone suggests making my Escalade smaller and less powerful so I look like some fairy Frenchman, I say to them “from my cold dead hands.”

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